Well wishers and friends have been urging me for donkey’s years to turn my hand to writing. I resisted stubbornly as I always believed that most worthwhile things in life have already been put into words by much more accomplished and original minds than mine. Then why this now?
The reasons are multifarious, and I propose to apportion the blog along each of the principal ones, namely:
I) VIGNETTES OF A LIFE
Each life, thought and emotion has an evolutionary contextualisation. My daughter has just turned 3 on the 1st of this month. I am 42 and keep indifferent health, at best. What if I am not around when she grows up? In that eventuality, what when she asks, “What sort of man was my father?” Each person will have his/her take on that, rather like the apocryphal tale of the blind men and the elephant. Only I can answer that question with any degree of certainty as I am the only person (my personal demons apart!) who dwells in the skin that houses my body. So, here goes.
II) THE SIKH WAY OF LIFE
All of us 3 siblings have inter-faith marriages. I have never been a votary of organised religion, in fact, have always had a marked aversion to it. However, a particular way of life was enshrined in us in our growing years. I hope that it would not be shrouded in the mists of time as far as our coming generations are concerned. ”The old order changeth, yielding place to the new, lest one good custom corrupt the world.” Why then does the name Camelot still evoke nostalgia? We are not going anywhere until we understand where we have come from. Hence, this section of the blog. Khushwant Singh, in his seminal “The History of the Sikhs”, bemoaned the imminent demise of Sikhism. I could not disagree with him more. Ceremonies, forms and customs in a religion vary as a function of the times. A worthwhile precept in any religion will not only stand the test of time, but also retain its transformational potency, both at the individual and societal level. A case in point is “Dasvandh.” On the face of it, it is a simple injunction to donate one tenth of your earnings to charity. After a lifetime of ruminating about this, my take on this is slightly different. The only real capital that I have created in this world is my knowledge, skill sets and wisdom (however little it may be!). The only capital that I have been granted is time. To my mind, the injunction is to expend at least 1/10th of each of the capitals at my disposal in selfless activities, exercising humility and compassion at all times. In my experience, it is the caveat in which the catch lies. It is not only the Devil who lies in the details!
III) LIFE SKILLS
In the movie, ”The Last Samurai”, Tom Cruise’s character says, “A man tries to create his own destiny, till his true destiny is revealed to him.” That resonated within me. I have spent the last few days contemplating what my true destiny is and how it will be revealed to me. However, I am too much of a rationalist to completely buy into such a fatalistic philosophy. I tried to reconcile the two contradictory streams of thought. I have always believed that each person has a certain uniqueness about him/her, things that he/she does better than a vast majority of people around him/her. That constitutes one’s tool-kit in life. Using what is at your disposal, you can construct a mansion, a temple, an orphanage or a school. In the process of the choice that you make, and its implementation, your true destiny will automatically manifest itself. What, then, comprises my tool-kit? A sponge like mind that grasps concepts quickly. A felicity in 3 languages, namely English, Punjabi and Hindi. The ability to transform concepts into actionable mechanics. The ability to scale up or tone down my level of communication based on the bandwith of the recepient (no use employing a bucket to fill a cup, and vice versa). The burning desire to share, and thus better the lot of people around me. What then has impeded me thus far? “Tu kahe to unwaan(title) badal dun lekin, Umr darkaar (required) hai afsaana (tale) badalne ke liye.” Loosely transliterated: “A skunk by any other name would smell just as rank! The story of my life has already unfolded. I would have to relive it to materially change its tone and substance.” That fatalistic assumption has guided my steps till date. In all my years submitting to organisational psychometry, interpreters were always puzzled by my abysmally low scores in terms of achievement motivation. Today, I realise that these tests are not normally designed to cater to people with off-beat orientations in life. For me, the corporate world was always, and only, a source of sustenance and a provider of diverse learning experiences. I never set my own compass and clock in the course of the entire engagement. For the uninitiated (with the jargon, that is), my compass refers to the direction that I would set for my rudder in voyaging around the sea of life. My clock refers to how I would structure my time to achieve my desired goals in the set direction. Externalities always set my clock and compass. Everytime I reset them, they would be knocked off kilter by personal compulsions and old habit patterns. Thankfully, I am free of all externalities today. This medium affords me the opportunity and flexibility to set my own compass and clock. Hence, this section of the blog that distils all my understanding of life.
IV) WELLNESS
I am neither a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst or a psychotherapist (how we all love fancy titles these days!). Neither am a dietician or a yoga/meditation/calisthenics expert. So, then, why this section of the blog? We are defined not by what we are not, but by that which we are. I am a Bi-Polar, Type I, with a comorbidity issue. For the unitiated, that means that I am prone to extreme and prolonged mood swings, ranging from suicidal depression at one end of the spectrum to maniac highs (marked by bursts of hyperactivity, euphoria and an exalted sense of self), culminating in psychotic episodes (when I start receiving “visions” that will transform the world). These swings are caused by fluctuations in the serotonin level in the blood that leads to changes in the synaptic nodes of the brain, causing altered perceptions of reality. Why it happens is still a mystery to modern science. In cases like mine (comorbidity), this process is excaberated by substance abuse (alcohol and nicotine are my poisons of choice). After years of experimenting with different generations of drugs, I have come to the conclusion that the efficacy of modern allopathic medication is vastly overrated in all spheres of life today, including mental health. The results of my experiments with alternative remedies would be posted here. I hope that they would come in handy for other bi-polars and their care providers.
In summation, this blog, in toto, represents my attempt at assimilating all the disparate experiences that have contributed to the personality that I own today, in the hope of coalescing them and achieving a meaningful gestalt.
I am honest to a fault. My written communication has always been plagued by verbosity, circumlocution and uncalled for verbal pyrotechnics. I have exercised great self-discipline today in trying to keep this post simple yet meaningful (can you imagine what it would have read like otherwise!). Wowever, beyond a point, specificity cannot be sacrificed at the altar of simplicity. I keenly and sincerely await your constructive feedback to make this blog more readable.
The blog is deliberately segmented so that no special interest group has to go through all posts to find what is relevant for it. Each post of the blog bears the category impranteur alongwith the theme of the post. Broadly, to my mind, 4 special interest groups would evolve over a period of time (wishful thinking on my part!):
1) Those interested in quasi-autobiographical material,
2) Those who seek a shared community/cultural identity bonding,
3) Those who look for purely intellectual stimulation, and
4) Those who seek shared experiences on “abnormal” personality.
Especially due to the high degree of content personalisation in most posts (including interpretational liberties) , it is not necessary that these groups, or individuals therein, are mutually exclusive.
That is the reason why, contrary to most suggestions elsewise, I have decided to stick to one composite blog rather than create a plethora of them.
I hope that you derive as much pleasure from reading this blog as I did in creating it.
I know that you will not have much fun (levity was never my strongest suit!}. But in case you find it, or any section therein, worthwhile, please forward the link to like minded people.
That is the only pathway for me to move from an arithmetic progression to a geometric progression.
Keep your chin up and the smile on your face. Remember, you always have the option to check out if the going gets too heavy!
